Vainglory (or “Who am I?”)
Heya, I’m Herschel Pravin Pawar. You can call me kat (with a small k)!
My interests vary from 3D modelling, programming, writing, yapping about technical stuff, and trying my best to learn everything. I try my best to look forward to a better future, and also make sure I’m not only getting better myself, but also making the people around me better.
Hubris (or “How did I get here?”)
I want to leave a long-lasting impact on the world, so people will remember me even after I die.
Part of my life-long goals is to be known for public speaking.
Another is reducing the barriers for making performant software.
I want to make it so creating a multithreaded application, and using resources like GPU, and TPU is as easy as writing a single threaded application.
I’ve also always had an interest in game development, but I didn’t know what part of game development.
”Oh, I know what to do. I can do that!”
It might seem like my goals are diverging. However, I believe that no matter how different the fields are, everything is connected and will help in someway or another.
Lessons learned in one field will help in others.
A chronological telling of my journey
Java Era
We had Logo, a kind of Lisp, in earlier years, but I never thought of it as a programming language. We just made a turtle move around and drew some simple shapes. So, Java was the first general purpose programming language I learnt. Then, I found The Coding Train who inspired me to pursue Java further, but the biggest inspiration for me was Kate Compton’s talk on Practical Procedural Generation for Everyone.
I made a few bog-standard minecraft mods, tried to make a discord bot, did some canvas stuff in Processing for Java, but nothing really stuck.
… And then I saw proper Java code and gave up lmao.
I got so discouraged I still avoid touching Java.
RedHat Era
Due to the trauma I got from Java, I tried to get into system administration, because I didn’t want to write code.
I attempted RHCSA and RHCE,
and failed both due to various circumstances.
Typically, you’d get two chances at the exams.
I was only able to give the exam once.
See, I studied for the exams with another person.
As an attempt at being friendly,
I tried to coordinate the exam dates and location.
One thing lead to another,
and in the end,
I had to give the exam on the last possible date.
I know better now.
Checking out Godot
After the whole RedHat thing got over, I wanted to check out Godot. I heard how it’s an open source game engine, it has a Python-like syntax, that means—at least in my mind—it’s the complete opposite of Java.
So, I started watching Godot tutorials.
I made many small and quick games to learn Godot. Once I got familiar with the engine, I started experimenting. I still followed tutorials but instead of copying them as is, I started adding my own twists like creating my own assets, or deviating from the tutorial.
Making games sparked something in my mind. I didn’t know what exactly it was, but I knew I wanted to get into games industry. However, I promptly stopped that thought due to the infamous nature of games industry.
Eventually, I found Acerola’s channel. Something sparked again, but I decided to ignore it.
Since I had a decent experience working in GDScript, I decided to specialize in Python.
Python Era
One of my first proper Python projects was a web-scrapper. It was nice to not constantly write the datatypes. I have always thought to myself, “The computer surely knows what type the variable has, why do I have to keep typing it?” Then the unpredictability of Python hit me. I couldn’t just leave the script running; eventually, it will run into an error I didn’t expect. Meanwhile, I kept hearing about this newfangled language called Rust.
I decided that I had enough of Python’s bs and looked into Rust. The most influential YouTube channel for me was No Boilerplate.
Rust Era
After getting hyped up on Rust, I learned it by doing rustlings.
I already knew the basics of programming, and it shouldn’t be hard to adapt to the syntax. It took me a few days to go through rustlings, I had to look up the solution for several problems. Nevertheless, I got enough confidence to rewrite my web scrapper.
Then, I fell in love with Rust.
Everything made sense.
People kept complaining about the borrow checker,
but I had always thought that it makes sense.
It’s just like how a database works.
Also-also,
I always thought that it made no sense to manually manage memory.
Many variables can be deleted at the end of function scope.
There HAS to be a way to manage it during compilation right?
It just makes sense to me.
Then, I started looking for a new project. One of my VRChat friends kept teasing me about how I know everyone in VRChat. While it’s true I know a lot of people, I still couldn’t grasp the scale of how many people I knew. I also had trouble just remembering who is who. So, I decided to make my new project “VRCX Insights”. I wanted to see how people might be connected. Viz, I know “A” through “B”, and “B” is in the friend group of “C”, etc. It’s the same concept as Six degrees of separation. I got decent results with simple metrics, and I wanted to turn it into a proper paper. However, the program took a long time to crunch through the data. I don’t want to submit a paper with a bad run time performance. So, I started looking for ways to increase it. I also started looking for better algorithms to add connections between people. But by then, I had to fucus on not failing my exams, and I decided to put the project on hold.
Between all the academic stuff, I didn’t stop searching for ways to make performance better. I found out about Vulkan, and got intrigued. Then, almost like fate, Acerola uploads What Is A Graphics Programmer?. I decided to join their discord, and there’s a channel about how to get into graphics programming.
I knew Inochi2d’s creator LunaTheFoxgirl knew about Vulkan. I decided to ask her if I can start with Vulkan directly, and she said technically yes.
Coventry University Experience
Then, I went to Coventry University, UK, for summer school.
I talked to the professors about Vulkan, and they recommended me to start with OpenGL. “Fair enough”, I thought.
I met someone who’s a game dev and works at a company, and according to them, the industry isn’t that bad, at least in the UK.
I learned unity basics from the professors, and realized how fun learning is when the professor is interested in teaching, and know what they’re talking about.
They told me they had a course on game engine development (the field I was considering). But 2024 was their last batch. That being said, even if it wasn’t their last batch, I didn’t have enough marks in college to apply. Living in “TERFLand” also sounded scary, and then stuff happened in the UK.
College ended
I was really uncertain about what to do. I didn’t want to stay in India.
So, I had two paths.
- Get a job, work for a few years, and then go out.
- Get accepted into a University.
I decided to do both, I was already looking for Rust jobs while in college, and started keeping an eye out for university stuff. However, the reality was that I wasn’t doing either properly.
Then, I met a certain somebody. She got me out of decision paralysis, and I started looking for Universities.
I had finally come to a conclusion that I want to study game development. I’ve always said that nothing is better than being able to learn. So went full throttle on it.
And then I hit jackpot.
Aalto University
For the game development course at Aalto University, the primary criteria was projects, and not marks.
It screamed to me that they care about passion. I thought, “I’m passionate about games”. Even if it’s not game engine development, I can still meet and ask help from other professors there. If it was anywhere like my experience at Coventry University, I would have a great time there.
I applied, had fun in the preliminary tasks, and then horribly fumbled my interview. During the whole admission process I realized how bad I am at everything. I knew I was most probably going to get rejected.
Now (2025-05-07)
The reason they gave for rejecting me in the email was lack of teamwork and not enough game projects or at least 3D game projects.
So just trying my best to improve everything!
Insatiability (or “What do I want to achieve?”)
Learn Blender (2025-04)
Status: In progress
Motivation
I play VRChat, and I want to express myself better in it.
Write at least once every month (2025-05-01)
Status: Ongoing
Motivation
Get better than communication
Progress
- April Hyper-V shenanigans with
nixos-generators - May How Jujutsu VCS helps lowers the barrier to perfect git history
- June TODO: Why Rust?
GitHub contributions (2024)
Status: Not started
Motivation
Shows teamwork (I hope), and I just want to contribute code to the tools I rely on.
Give one technical talk (2024)
Status: Not Started
Motivation
Kate Compton inspired me to pursue programming, and now I want to pass the inspiration to others.
More NixOS stuff (2024-12)
Status: Ongoing
Motivation
I’ve barely scratched the surface of what’s possible with NixOS, and Nix in general, and I can still see the benefits of it’s way.
Learn more about parallel processing (2024)
Status: Not started
Motivation
I believe that the future of performant code is by using accelerator cards, even if I might learn the legacy system, it’s still better to know about it.
Also, I want to use it today, so, I’ll work with what’s available today.
Write a scientific paper and publish it in a recognized journal (2023)
Status: On hold
Motivation
I just wanna :3
Link
Compulsion (or “Why do I write?”)
”Oh, I’ve done something like that!”
I initially started writing because I wanted to put out my experience out in the internet. Simple as that.
”I have feelings, and I must express them.”
Every so often, I find quotes that resonate deeply with me. Lemme give you some examples.
- Progress happens one funeral at a time
- Maybe Planck’s principle?
- Pretty sure I just saw this in someone’s twitch chat.
- In this life and the next, for however long our souls remain, mine will always find yours.
- Our Violent Ends by Chloe Gong
- I haven’t read the book; I don’t think I will ever read the book. But the quote still rests in my heart.
- I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, even for a heartbeat.
- A tumblr post that I saw in a tweet
- And the original post is even more beautiful
- A tumblr post that I saw in a tweet
- Creativity is just connecting things.
Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that they’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people. Unfortunately, that’s too rare a commodity. A lot of people in our industry haven’t had very diverse experiences. So they don’t have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one’s understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have.
- I’m not sure if Steve Jobs said it, goodreads claims he did. But, I’m not gonna fact check that.
These quotes have the power to alter the vocabulary of the people who read them.
If I can express myself properly, it will inspire people.
”I have opinions, and I must voice them.”
I want to explain to other people why I do things the way I do them.
”Look at this cool rock I found!”
I noticed that my communication skills are terrible. I can’t explain concepts in a way that the general masses can understand.
People used to come to me to ask about concepts they didn’t understand. But, usually, they’d go through my other friend. I explained the concepts to him, and then he would help the others out. They’d go to the same friend to ask help for technical stuff, and if he couldn’t solve it, then he’d ask me.
People need to know me for a while
before they can understand what I’m trying to teach,
and I need to know them for a while,
so I can adjust to the way they learn.
However, I’m out of college now, and I can’t rely on others to understand me. So, I started writing more and more. I’m looking for more topics to write about, and I’m open to criticism (but pls be soft >.>).
I also think that even if I can’t explain the concepts (like in Fractured Elements Breakdown) it’s better to just leave it as is, instead of trying to perfect it, and just publish it. It’s better to mark it as “complete” and then move on.
NOTEA while ago, I came across this post on tumblr that rewired my brain.
Combined with “Move fast and break things”, and “Done is better than perfect”, I feel like it’s just better to put stuff out rather than trying to perfect it and never finishing it.
Over time, I’ve started to recognize hints from my brain when I need to explain something better. My hope is that by practicing writing, I’ll be able to explain (and communicate) better.
I also have terrible memory,
so I started microblog on Bluesky.
The first blog post recorded on Bluesky via microblogging is
Hyper-V shenanigans with nixos-generators.
A side effect of blogging and microblogging is that I can offload the task of “remembering” to the computer. I’m a big proponent of letting the computer do what they’re best at; that is, remembering, and calculating.
In the long run, I want to be able to write longer, and better essays. That being said, rather than the essays being long just for the sake of being long, I want each word to have a reason to exist (unlike output from LLMs).
I want to spread my enthusiasm.
I want
to evoke feelings in the readers that they didn’t even know existed.
I want to be the spark that will ignite passion in people’s hearts.
And the only way to improve, is to keep going on.
Acedia (or “What has life taught me?”)
Never back down on learning anything new
Everything is connected,
everything is related.
Don’t dwell on the past
I did the best I can in the circumstances I was in.
I can’t change the past, but I can influence the future; So, look forward to the future and ask “what can I learn to improve on that mistake”. And always remember the saying “It’s no use crying over spilt milk”.
Trust. Your. Gut
Don’t wait for other people
If I need to get something done, then I should just do it myself.
Either stay on top of politics, or politics will fuck you over.
No one is apolitical and nothing is apolitical. And most definitely, no matter how hard you try to avoid politics, politics is still going to come to bite you.
Politics isn’t just limited to governance, even small decisions and opinions are political under the right circumstances.
Practice good habits, even if it doesn’t matter
I used to solve leetcode problems with one of my friends, and even if the quality of the code didn’t matter, I stuck to best practices. This way, I tended to build up good practices as a reflex, and not as a reaction.
Practice during low stakes situations, so I will be able to perform during high stakes situations.
People also say “practice makes perfect”, but I disagree.
Practice makes habits, so practice good habits.
Intemperance (or “Things close to my heart”)
Think of this section as media I like to recommend.
Sorted in reverse chronological order.
2025-05-11: (YouTube) The Desire to Be Sad by Clark Elieson
Specifically the “My Story” section
https://youtu.be/3zdudOjHMk8?t=1032 (timestamped)
Depression made me obsessed with art and beauty. I’ve said it to one of my friends, being depressed and melancholic makes you “enlightened”. “You can only find the true meaning of life if you get past the fear of death”.
I was only able to discover myself when nothing mattered. And if nothing mattered, then who cares if I’m considered “normal”. Might as well be myself.
I still don’t talk about the hardest moments in my life, but they’re the reason I am who I am.
2025-05-07: (Anime) Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End (Sousou no Frieren)
https://anilist.co/anime/154587/Frieren-Beyond-Journeys-End/
There are a lot of anime that follow the basic plot of:
- A brat (the hero, who’s human) forms a party of powerful people
- One of the people is an elf girl
- They both fall in love with each other
- The party kills the demon king
- The hero and the elf get married
- Anime ends
Frieren: Beyond Journey's End (hereby Frieren) is different.
I often asked myself, “What happens after the hero dies? He’s a human, and she’s an elf. The difference in their lifespan is an order of magnitude different, sometimes even more.”
Frieren answers that question, and more.
The elf Frieren has lived for millenniums but never cared to connect with anyone after her teacher died. She’s going to outlive everyone, what’s the point in knowing anyone? Then, the cliché pattern happened. She gets recruited by a human who goes by “Himmel”. The boy is kind and charming.
He’s an extremely positive influence on Frieren, despite being with him for ten years, less than one-tenth of her lifespan. Even after his death, when she’s unsure about what to do, she thinks “What would Himmel the hero do?”.
The anime follows Frieren, as she retraces the adventures they had; Just, so she can savour their memories together before the world inevitably forgets about them.
The anime has a lot of comedic and high octane action scenes, but, in my opinion, the best scenes are the minor ones.
The ones where she interacts with the people.
The ones where she reminisces about her “short” time with the party.
It’s the little things in life.
The anime makes sure we experience the moments vicariously through her memories.
It makes you feel the loss of Himmel and how it affects Frieren.
It’s truly bittersweet anime.
As one of the reviews put it, “What it means to be human, as taught by an elf.”.
2024-06-13 (Anime) Delicious in Dungeon (Dungeon Meshi)
https://anilist.co/anime/153518/Delicious-in-Dungeon/
Delicious in Dungeon has a really great representation of autism.
Watch: Dungeon Meshi - Spelunking On the Spectrum by Superdude
It has the best character writing I’ve seen so far, and it would be hard to beat it, at least for me.
Senshi the dwarf helped people with eating disorder.
See: I have anorexia and when I can’t force myself to put food in my mouth, I imagine Senshi encouraging me to try, and it works in r/DungeonMeshi
See: Has the show changed how you view meals and food? in r/DungeonMeshi
I know it’s not a scientific method by any means, but I can personally say that Senshi influenced me to eat healthier.
Anime has “kemonomimi” (kemono: animal, mimi: ear) humans who have animal traits. has Izutsumi the Beast-man who is an animal with human traits. She’s selfish and cold, but she’s not a bad person by any means.
Izutsumi was treated cruelly by her original found family, and as a result she acts the way she is. She warms up to her new found family and slowly turns more “human”.
She’s the character who’s closest to me.
Covetousness (or “Credits”)
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Bluesky Comments System
https://github.com/flo-bit/blog-template
Social share buttons
https://github.com/silent1mezzo/astro-social-share